My first post as a 30 year old!

Hi again :) I just meditated as the clock turned from 2:04AM to 2:05AM. It was a meditation of gratitude. I also whispered some intentions to the wind, many of which I have held in my heart for the last few weeks to months and have made such a difference in my life. Wow the power of intention. I remember first seeing Wayne Dyer's "Power of Intention" Cards when in medical school. Mellie also shared with me about Ask and It is Given and various wise teachers along the way since then have reminded me of this incredible power of intention. It's truly transformed my life in unexpected and beautiful ways. There is such beauty in surrender, letting go and allowing the unfolding. A recent intention I have been incorporating into my morning meditation is "May I be open to the abundance of the Universe. May I live in a place a gratitude and thanks." I feel such an openness when I intend this, and it does feel like the cup overfloweth...life is so rich and I've noticed such meaningful moments and connections, especially at work. I am so enjoying my CCRMC community--what wonderful, warm people I get to work with! And some of my patients are just so lovely! I feel so lucky to be doing what I'm doing. Another intention that James Baraz has shared with me is "May life use me well. May I speak up for myself, and may I speak up for the Dharma." I love this. This one really helps me remember how interconnected we all are and that we are not separate. This one also really helps me connect with my intention and commitment to live a life of service. It also helps me integrate my various spheres...ie helps me bring together my "spiritual life" with my "work life" etc. It all is one in the same. I am really enjoying this integration process and trust that it will continue to evolve. I also love this intention because it humbles me and reminds me that it's a larger force working through me...may Life use me well. It also gives me courage to speak up even if my truth is counter culture in ways and 'different.' I have felt 'different' at times but I've been so delighted by all the kindred spirits I've met along the way....and at times in unexpected places! I don't know that we're counter culture all that much...just a little bit atypical....like wanting to focus on love, compassion and surrender. ;) And with the HM program really inviting openness surrounding illness, aging and death. So grateful for my HM sangha. And in medicine and at CCMRC, I feel so grateful for my sangha, committed to serving the underserved, working tirelessly for those who society has forgotten or turned away from. I so respect and admire my colleagues. I feel inspired daily. And I feel every so grateful for the sangha of my family! Wow. They are my rocks. So grateful for them and so very inspired by them. They all in their unique way live with such passion, love, kindness, dedication and authenticity. I really love when we hold a council circle. Very sacred and special. I thought about how I'd like to spend my 30th birthday and what bubbled up was that I want to be with my family and loved ones, and at some point I'd like to be at a yummy healthy restaurant with them. :) I also really look forward to seeing some colleagues in the morning. Love my CoCoCounty "CoCo Nuts" lol. I didn't make that up. ;)

It's 224AM and I want to sleep soon. This last year has been particularly meaningful in that I've finally(!) developed better sleep habits and hygiene, and at the root of these efforts and this change has been a dedicated commitment to self-compassion. Through the Self-Compassion series put on by Rick Hanson, listening to Courage and Confidence by Pema Chodron, working regularly with my dharma teacher Erin Hill, working with various mentors at CCRMC and just my daily practice, I have learned so much and a major shift has occurred. And I am so grateful for this. So many people have encouraged me to let go of perfectionism and reminded me that "Perfection is the enemy of the good." This has been key because my perfectionism and lack of good time boundaries was destroying me...I was dying a slow death! (In the words of Robert Quinn who wrote 'Deep Change' -- thanks Dr. Fish for introducing me.) Thankfully (and out of absolute necessity) and with the help of many, I have gradually been able to create new patterns and develop better time boundaries and work/life boundaries and cultivate self-compassion. It's been so huge and I am so excited for these changes! Because of this, I feel so much more balanced and rested(!) and at peace and grounded. Feeling more rested in itself has meant a world of difference. Last year my vision board was focused all around sleep. Some cut-outs on it were "The Sleep Project," "Make it Your Mission," "Devotion," and  "I did it!" Feels so good to finally be able to have a regular sleep schedule. Yay! I hope to keep it up. :)

In general, too, this whole self-compassion stuff has made such a difference. Docs are notoriously hard on themselves and it's been amazing talking to others about self-compassion. It's such a beautiful and healing practice and I am excited to continue my exploration in this area. Stakes are high in medicine and we all want to do our best and be really on top of things for our patients, but having a slave driver as a self-critic to keep us in line just ain't healthy. We can be hard workers, attentive, accountable, responsible and competent without being so terribly harsh on ourselves. We need to model self-care if we want our patients to learn this. We need to be whole ourselves if we are able to best serve others. I could go on and on about this...I love this topic but on the topic of self-care, I need to sleep! :) I have a full day ahead of me and an exciting trip coming up! J and I are going to Kauai! It'll be my first time to this island and his first time to Hawaii in general! Woohoo! Grateful for this opportunity. Before we go though, J will be presenting at a conference on Friday. He won a Young Investigator's Award, awarded by the American Society of Clinical Pathology. So proud of him! Anywho, at the end of the day I just want to say thanks. :) And also set my intention for this next year: SIMPLIFICATION and INTEGRATION. And continued SELF-COMPASSION and deepening of WISDOM. Oh and COMMITMENT to my DHARMA PRACTICE. Last year my intention was long the lines of May I be here for myself always. Truly ally with myself. (Inspired by Anne Cushman during the Awakening in the Body retreat at SR). Really empowering and reflecting on the last year, this intention really did set the tone and was a major theme and inspiration for me. :) I will end with a poem that Anne Cushman read:

God Says Yes To Me

Kaylin Haught

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it even okay if I don't paragraph
my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes


You know at one point I felt pressure to "do something" for my 30th but at the end of the day, I feel really content with the way everything is. May I therefore today just let go and enjoy the day! May I include movement and stillness, peace, quiet, connection, gratitude and love. May I be open to the abundance of the Universe. May I live in a place of thanks. May life use me well. May I have fun! :) Goodnight!

SWC 253AM

Thank you, 20's! :)

Actually come to think of it, 'Thank you, first 29 years of my life!' In about three minutes I turn 30 (205AM) and I just want to express my gratitude for these first 29 cycles around the sun. I am so grateful for this life, full of richness, precious moments, challenges, joys, sorrows, surprises, connection, discovery, learning, dharma, meaning, peace, love...! I give deep thanks. :)

Grateful for my golden*!! First one in a long time :)

I'm writing from bed. :) Just downloaded the blogger app. Sore from an intense track workout yesterday, can barely move. Josh and I spontaneously went to the Berkeley high school track and did an interval workout. Felt so amazing to run…to sprint...to move! I had a very vivid dream only two nights before about hurdling. It amazed me how in my dream I was so delighted about returning to that special three step rhythm between hurdles.  I felt in such a palpable way that feeling of the hurdles seeming closer together by the end of the race since one has picked up speed by then (well hopefully lol).... Like each step is gripping the rubber track and pulling the next hurdle closer. Not sure if this makes sense, but this is what I felt very specifically in my dream. 

I'm very excited about falling back in love with running. I feel such freedom and aliveness when I'm running. I really enjoyed the long distance running I did with TNT. It was definitely a change of pace, literally. :-) However, I think my true love is sprinting and jumping. It feels so great to return to this too because for the past year and a half I really haven't felt like moving at all. I wonder if this new found desire to move and exercise stems from the fact I'm finally feeling rested...like my body finally has the energy to actually engage in exercise. ;) I also have been more intentional with my diet and have been focusing on foods that will really nourish and ground my body...eg lots of whole grains, hearty colorful vegetables, good fats and lean proteins. I feel so much better. More present in my body and in my life. :)

Speaking of food, I need to get up and eat. It's almost 5 PM. I didn't even go to bed that late. I just love sleep so much and also as noted above, I can't really move. ;) 

I am really excited because I made granola for the first time last week. It's been such a gift having time to even do things like bake, do laundry, exercise, and sleep!! I give thanks. <3 

*Golden weekend: a.k.a. normal weekend for laypeople ;) like we get both days off yippee! 我很高兴！

Welcome to my blog!

Today I have decided to create a blog! In the past, I have created blogs for trips or I have created shared blogs. However, I've never had an ongoing blog for "daily life." I am realizing more and more that each and every day can be so very rich, whether one is on a trip or not. Even the most "mundane" or "ordinary" days can be quite extraordinary and meaningful.

I am excited to write. I enjoy posting on Facebook and such; however, I notice that I desire to write more than just one to two sentence updates. To have a place to quietly share my thoughts, to process and to reflect feels very therapeutic and relaxing.  And at times quite cathartic. This impulse to write has been especially strong these past 5 weeks as I've been on ICU -- 3 weeks of day ICU and 2 weeks of night ICU. As I wrote on Facebook "Just finished 5 weeks of ICU! So grateful for such a rich, challenging, educational, and humbling experience! I feel so lucky to work here at CCRMC with so many compassionate, dedicated, and brilliant colleagues. Thank you all for making coming to work such a joy. And a huge thank you to all of my patients who continue to teach me so much about vulnerability, courage and grace." My desire to write was so strong sometimes I felt my chest almost bursting at the seams. Writing can be such a powerful exercise and it continues to fascinate and humble me how many new insights and connections arise during the writing process.  Something happens when things are written down; experiences can be seen in a whole new light, can be transformed, solidified and digested.

It's 8:54PM yet it feels like it's midnight at least. Makes sense as I woke up at 2AM after sleeping 12 hours during the day yesterday. I know it will take some time to adjust to daytime but I am going to try to get home to go to bed ASAP. My body is tired. Today was lovely and strange being in sunlight and seeing friends.  The light was almost blinding. Much joy bubbled up as I hung out with my friends. I feel so lucky to be here and to be working with such incredible people! What a wonderful community this is. Everyone was so sweet and said "Welcome back to days!" Feels good to be back and I also miss certain parts of nights. I had a fabulous team of residents, nurses and attendings. I also like the pace of nights (as long as it's not too crazy!) There is a certain peace when all the lights are out and there is less overall movement around the hospital. I very much enjoyed working with the nurses. They have taught me and continue to teach me so much. Many attendings also generously stayed in house. It was wonderful having them around to run things by. We had some very sick patients, and I am so grateful for their guidance. It blows my mind that some of my attendings just graduated from our program last year! They are so smart and their clinical acumen is quite impressive. I think they are intrinsically very smart and I think our program rocks! CCRMC is such an empowering learning environment. We are so lucky to be here. I feel like I've fallen more and more in love with CCRMC over this past year. :) Residency is certainly challenging, but I'm so grateful to be in such a robust learning environment with such passionate and caring docs and other staff!

It's strange to suddenly be out of the ICU. It feels abrupt. I miss my patients, their families, my inpatient colleagues and just being in the hospital.  I am slowly acclimating back to the outpatient world. Today I had clinic. 8 patients showed. I haven't had clinic in awhile since I've been on ICU. It felt great to be back, and I also felt a little rusty in terms of clinic flow. Still, it was really nice to see some of my regular pts.  The more I am in clinic the more I think about social determinants of health and "upstream" issues. I am curious where my path will take me but I've been noticing that in addition to palliative care and integrative medicine, something I'm really passionate about is FOOD. Food justice is what I think people are calling it. Access to food. So many of my patient's health issues directly result from poor diet, but one can't blame them at times because the cheapest food in our society is typically very unhealthy. Patients need to be motivated and take responsibility for their health AND we need to set people up for success and surround them with healthy options so that they CAN make these decisions.  I think back to Greg Downey's awesome class at ND "Cultural Difference, Social Change." We read "When Corporations Rule the World" and watched part of "The Corporation." I feel like the corporate model underlies so many of our problems today --> it's all about the tragedy of the commons. Wait. Brain tired. Want to be rested when writing more about this. I want to explore this more, this intersection between food access and health. And education. Will return to this.

For now, will try to take care of my health :) and pull myself away from clinic and go to bed. All in all, very grateful to have survived ICU (relieved in fact) and very grateful for that incredible opportunity. I think it's definitely been one the highlights of residency for me. I had been nervous about it for quite sometime but everyone was so supportive and it ended up being one of the most meaningful, rich and positive experiences in that past 1.5+ years here at Co Co County. Dr. Fish told me "You should note that. Think about what you really love and don't as you go from rotation to rotation. Let this guide you as you think about what you want to do later." Hmm good point. Interesting because I didn't realize I would like critical care so much. I reflect on what I enjoyed the most and I think a big part of it was that the learning was so rich. I think Western medicine shines in critical care (vs chronic conditions. Andrew Weil wrote about this in his book "Health and Healing," and I've found this to be true, though it's gradually improving).  I faced some fears both conscious and I believe subconscious. In varying degrees, being in the ICU has been somewhat difficult since Daddy passed away. Seeing patients with ARDS has been hard. Seeing families of pts has been particularly hard. It was just yesterday that we were in their shoes. We know what it's like...a mixture of fear, grief, denial, hope, shock, confusion, love. Such an emotional time. One of our patient's passed away while I was on service. I would like to write more about this in a future post. It was a very moving experience.

Well, I feel I am fading. Please forgive me if anything above is incoherent or misspelled etc. I shall now rest. Goodnight and I give thanks for this day of transition back to the World of Daylight.